I Swear by Mustache

I swear by my mustache and my love of it that I will not surrender to Jeff’s (Jeff is a real person who lives on this planet) request to shave my mustache, nor ask any man on earth to shave for me. I swear by my mustache and the love of its amusement in which my fingers twirl it every second, that I behold and hold this truth to be self-evident that every mustache is being grown free and independent with inherent natural rights that cannot be, by persuasion and lure, deprived or interrupted its spread and domination over the lips.